Vulnerability

Vulnerability & Asking for help

Welcome! This journey to a better me has blossomed into so much more. Being completely vulnerable right now I want to share more about what we experience.

Family is a strong unit of communication, love, support and trust.

When you carry everything by default and run yourself into the ground, you may one day just get tired of it. “It” being the daunting daily routine, broken relationships, unbalanced life, burned out and just tuned out. It all begins to pile on and you just feel like you’re drowning. We set unrealistic expectations on ourselves and on others; when we are not portraying what is truly inside of us (in other words being and living as our true selves) we hold grudges and overtime become bitter, wishing we had spoken out. 

The first epiosde on our podcast, So Much More, we talked about our inner voice and how a negative, critical, and unreasonable inner voice affects not only us but carries over into our loved ones and then that becomes their inner voice as well; this is a very profound concept.  

Doing it all – getting yourself ready; the kids ready; taking everyone to school (sometimes different schools); going to work; doing the work; coming home; picking everyone up; cooking dinner; helping with homework; cleaning; laundry; grocery shopping… it’s exhausting! Where do you fit in, in all of this. Your glorious 5-to-10-minute shower? Our inner voice is also nagging as your children are pestering. When we reach peak levels of stress like this on a regular basis, our burnout cycle becomes shorter and shorter, and our recharge times take longer and longer. We receive boosts of serotonin, as moms being needed, we live for that stuff man. I know I felt more accomplished at the end of the day if all the boxes were checked, everyone was happy, but I was dead! If we ourselves are so happy helping others, don’t you think others would like to do the same? Our little ones love to help, it gives them satisfaction in a much greater way; Yes! I was needed! Yes! I feel important! Yes! I was trusted to do this! Of course, when they’re learning you’ll have to finish or redo it but it’s a life skill they need to learn. Plus, working together creates a healthy environment that we all care about and respect. It’s our living space. 

When we are doing inner work we are in a heightened state of awareness. Extremely high overthinking, imposter syndrome, critical self talk and doubt. Sometimes it can be the opposite, you might be frozen, almost in shock like sensory overload. 

I used to believe that I had to be the one to do EVERYTHING! It all started once I had my first child, I felt the pressure of responsibility, with someone constantly relying on me. That’s a lot for a young person. It took a lot of sacrifice and growing up. I was 20-years-old when I had my oldest, and I knew I that I wanted to be the parent that I had wanted and needed, when I was young. With feelers out constantly just trying to navigate life, it’s scary when you dont know where to start. Especially starting life while raising my son, who by the way was always such a good boy; I am so blessed with such a handsome, silly, and smart boy. Always does what’s being asked of him. As a family we often have group discussions about our home, school, expectations, life and our futures. Having group discussions allows for them to have a voice in the home; creating trust and confidence and to know they are a working piece of the puzzle. The biggest piece is the feeling of being needed. Kids often dont understand that what you’re asking of them is contributing to helping everyone, not just being given a task because someone else doesn’t want to do it. Being needed can be stressful, it comes with pressures such as pressed for time, too much on my plate, I cant do it, or even not wanting to do it. Don’t feel guilt if there is something you don’t want to do. There is a lot we dont want to do, but are responsible for doing. Hello procrastinating! If only we communicated from the get go that we need help doing this or that. COMMUNICATION! With kids repeating is an annoying necessity but a necessity nonetheless. Reminders are annoying as well, sometimes it’s just the sound of your voice – nails to a chalkboard to our kids (especially when they feel demanded to do something), but when said lightly and positively comes off a lot more effective! Be silly as much as you can with them through challenges, as this keeps moral up and they are more likely to finish without having to face a yelling, fustrated mom. Kids shut down as soon as you yell. Fear hits, you can see it on their little faces; frozen. The softer you can speak; walk away and come back if you can’t refrain from losing it. They will appreciate and do the same once they understand. We don’t have to hide emotions of anger from them; it’s how we handle our anger in front of them that is powerful, mindful, and respectable.

In my opinion as a mom we are born with/raised with the nurture mindset and it gets spun out into this hat: moms do everything, and we critique ourselves if we dont accomplish this. It was crippling to ask for help. To me it was like waving a white flag of defeat. But what was better – to be disorganized, self sabotaging, and irregular or build trust, confidence, and gain momentum? When you hit that feeling of having nowhere to turn; you’re up to limit; the gauge is broken, these are all cues to ask for help.

Being vulnerable is not easy in fact it’s your rawest, truest and most authentic self. It takes courage and strength to be vulnerable. 

Fear holds us at mercy. Until we ball up and go with the safe choice or routine. 

BUT

• Advocating for yourself or being clear about boundaries is healthy and respected. 
• Requiring help is not a burden to others
• Being your truest and authentic self is freeing and liberating.
• Holding back pieces of yourself is getting in your way of moving forward.
• Doing the inner work to be your best self is rewarding, contagious and brave.

My experience with being vulnerable personally has given me a voice that carries positivity, set healthy boundaries, respect for my fellow humans and more respect for myself. 

• I deserve respect.
• I deserve love.
• I deserve to be heard.
• I deserve to live to my fullest potential.

Sharing my experience became a clear message as I talk to lots of people daily. As a hairstylist, the most common conversations are that of exhausted moms, wanting better for their families, yearning to see the lighter side of things, caught up in burnout and being overwhelmed. In my space everyone has a voice that is heard, from your style and color preference, to unloading whats been bothering and eating at them. We all need to feel validated its what keeps the edges from cracking, we breath easier when we realize someone else is struggling in a similar way. When you’re comfortable enough to share what’s really inside, that is vulnerability. Rejection will hurt but it’s what guides us to those who truly understand, appreciate, and validate us.

• Give yourself GRACE – Rewiring how you think is going to challenge you.
  • It takes time and repeated scenarios where you overcome old mindset patterns and grow. Know that you will make mistakes along the way and be ok with the fact that we are not perfect, and that we won’t be exactly where we want to be in a day. It takes time to shift learned behaviors/habits.
  • Much like working out our physical body, our emotional health can take a long time to repair. Remember that you are today years old making these changes
• REWARD – Set small goals when getting started.
  • Something easily achievable is going to make you feel good about making the decision to live life with intentionality.
  • Any conscious decision is worth a reward when youre training your brain. My life coach helped me to visualize my goals with a reward jar. Any time I did something I gave myself a skittle in the jar.
    • Self care was a big one for me, one of my goals was to be kind to myself after filling everyone else’s cup all of the time. Self care felt selfish. Not the case, self care is important when taking care of others. Who is taking care of you?
    • Creating time for me seemed impossible. When? Well before the rest of the house is awake; its a beautiful time, quiet and peaceful. Gave me time to collect my thoughts and set my intentions for the day…and everyone else’s day. You know what, the house ran smoother because I was fully awake and ready to greet my family and set the tone for their day. Who likes rushing in the morning? Yeah, me either.
  • Getting things done on time.
    • Procrastinating makes me feel gross. I am the best at it and will usually hold off until the final moments to get it in or buy or pay whatever.
    • So when I check things off the list, I rewarded myself with a couple of skittles because this was a toughy for me. Doing things before the timer was about to go off felt so good I felt more accomplished and less worried!
• CHOOSE- It is a choice to be vulnerable and live with intentionality.
  • Be aware more often than not, not everyone walks around thinking with this level of awareness.
    • Be aware that our bubble of self has boundaries to protect it.
    • You control and chose to allow what flows through your life.
    • These choices are being absorbed and felt by not just you; others around you.